Screaming, not listening, saying “NO”, bedtime battles, tantrums, whining… are you familiar with those “adorable” types of behaviour?
Why young children go through these phases, and what parents can do to avoid or minimise them?
First, you should know that it’s just a normal and healthy developmental stage that all kids (no exception) go through. Of course, some of them can be a little more intense – sorry if that’s your case.
The good news is that intense or not, kids are learning, developing and constantly sharing their feelings with us.
Not only that, but children are also experiencing different situations that can cause them big frustrations. So, they are most of the time trying to deal with it in the best and only way they know: MISBEHAVING!
Here are some reasons why your child can be misbehaving and suggestions on what can help parents dealing with it:
1. Lack of Communication Skills
Normally, toddlers are quite aware of things happening around them. They are very good observers and can easily sense when there’s a big change coming, if parents are stressed or spending too much time at work for example.
They have already a (although limited) perception of fairness and things they like and/or want.
Children this age can be quite attentive and sensitive to things we say and do, absorbing information and new learning experiences every day, all the time.
The reason why it’s challenging for children is because, despite the awareness, their communication skills are not fully developed yet. This means they aren’t able to tell us when something is upsetting them, which can be from a little friend grabbing a toy to a new sibling “stealing” mum and dad’s attention.
It’s important that parents, family members and Educators understand this “lack of communication” and have realistic expectations when dealing with young children.
Kids are seeking for someone that will understand their feelings instead of screaming or punishing them (for simply not being able to “communicate”).
Whenever possible, do the best to acknowledge those feelings. “It’s really tough when friends grab a toy we are playing with! We’ll wait until he/she is ready to give it back to you. I get what you’re feeling”; “I’m sorry mum needs to give the baby all attention now. I know you missed me and I missed you too. I’ll be right back, and we’ll play your favourite game in a few minutes”…
2. Limited abilities
As well as with communication skills, kids are learning lots of other new abilities. Therefore, frustration will be part of their attempt of achieving something they aren’t yet capable of doing, for example tie a shoe, wash hands by themselves, put clothes on, etc…
When children are trying to do tasks that require skills that are not fully developed, they tend to get frustrated and consequently, misbehave.
If your children often insist in doing things “by themselves”, instead of not letting them try to avoid misbehaviour, you could try just offer support (if you feel they want it). Otherwise, just let them do it the way they believe is right, exploring all the possibilities. When we say or demonstrate that kids “can’t” do something we are involuntarily telling them that they are not capable of doing those things. It can cause even more frustration and negatively affect their confidence skills in a long term.
3. “I don’t need help”
When a child is focused on doing something by themselves (even if it is putting clothes inside out) they are not expecting us to help them. Children don’t really want to put their clothes correctly, but achieving something they are determined to do.
It may take a little longer to let your children dress themselves up, put their shoes on or get their bags ready to school, but the time spent trying to settle them down later will be even longer. So, try to be patient and have in mind that your child is trying to feel more independent. If you don’t want to be late to every single appointment, try and get organized and make some extra time before leaving home, as those “unforeseen” situations may arise in a regular basis.
4. Seeking for attention
Although kids don’t always need/want our help. There’s something they are often seeking for: our attention.
And why is that? Children (as well as adults) need to feel appreciated, heard, loved… so, they may not want us following them all day or constantly offering help, but they do want to know that we are there, watching their attempts and achievements.
If you think “If I’m not supposed to help with the shoes, I’ll go get something done and come back in a couple of minutes”. This may send your children a signal that you don’t care enough to simply be there with them, or that you have more important things to do. Not only that, you will probably miss that important moment when he/she finally gets the shoes on!
Giving a child your full attention means that you are really there, not on your phone or finishing some work. Demonstrating that you are interested in watching what they are doing, their attempts and achievements is a game changer. Show that it is important for you to spend that five minutes in the presence of your child.
5. Testing limits
We know that no parent is free from this. Kids will test limits. That’s something they do, not because they are “bad kids” but because they are explorers. The boundaries with adults, especially parents, is something fascinating to explore (in their vision).
“Mum said NO when I dropped spaghetti on the floor, what is she going to do if I drop more?”; “Hmm… she is saying NO again, and now she seems to be getting upset”;”I wonder if she will have the same reaction if I drop some water now?”: “She looks angry! How come do I have so much power over mum’s behaviour?”; “That’s interesting… she lost control” “I’ll try something different now”
I know. It sounds a bit evil. But, this is just to illustrate that behind a child throwing food on the ground, there’s a little human being trying to understand our behaviours and reactions as they navigate through it.
Testing limits is healthy, and many times it means that parents aren’t being firm enough or are demonstrating they are insecure with a certain situation. That’s the gap any child can feel, and so, they will explore.
Misbehaving can also begin with a big change in a child’s routine, a new sibling, new school, or any other transition they are going through.
In most cases, children are unconsciously asking for understanding, patience and a firm and confident attitude from parents and carers.
Does your child often misbehave at home? How do you deal with it?
My name is Natalia, sweetly called "Lala" since I started working with children. I am the owner of Lala’s Family Day Care and my passion is to make positive connections with my little ones, providing high-quality learning experiences. I believe that every child is unique and they grow the best when they feel valued, loved, happy and secure.