“Say you’re sorry!” is one of the most said sentences by so many parents – who are with all their good intention trying to teach their children that they shouldn’t hurt a friend or grab someone’s toy.

The only thing is – does your child really feel sorry for what they did? 

Let’s think about it!

Saying sorry is definitely very important either in child or adulthood. This gesture shows that we care about the other person and that we feel bad for our behaviour or actions. We say sorry when we act by impulse and end up hurting someone’s feelings when this is not what we meant to do.

In other words, there are feelings about it that we want to express. We don’t simply go and say “sorry” to somebody when we are still upset, angry or frustrated at them. Do we?

Then why do we expect that children (who are still learning how to deal with their feelings and emotions) will do so? 

If we want to teach them about really feeling sorry the first step is to teach them about emotions. So that, at some point, they will learn it and will be more likely to say “I’m sorry” because they really mean it.

Getting your child to say “sorry” when they are not genuine feeling this way may only feel good for you as a parent. “Ok! I did something about it and taught my child the lesson”. 

But you’re not teaching and your child is not learning anything about their behaviour and emotions. So, how about trying some of these techniques?

Talk about feelings

Not at that critical moment when your child is having a meltdown or crying and feeling very frustrated. They are not going to listen to you!
When they are upset all they need is support and a gentle voice saying that everything will be fine.
Then as soon as it seems appropriate just talk to them about what happened. Try to understand the circumstances that made your child act in a specific way. Ask them “Did you feel frustrated?” “Were you angry?” – if they don’t know much about their emotions how will they tell us what kind of feelings they are having? We are the guiders. We are the ones who explain to them what it feels like to be irritated, upset, calm, happy, etc. That’s how they will be able to tell us how they are feeling.

Help them to understand other people’s feelings

As well as saying: “share with your friend!”, “don’t push your brother!”, “not bitting!” etc.. “say you’re sorry” won’t change much if they don’t understand why they have to do it.
And in this case, the reason why we say sorry is because we care about hurting other’s feelings, right? This is when we explain that “your friend seems very upset about what you did”, “your actions hurt your brother”, “mum is very sad that you threw this toy at me when I nicely asked you to stop”.
Now they start to understand what feelings actually are, how they feel about something, and how others may feel too.

Why? Why? Why?

If you are not there yet you will certainly reach that point when your child will ask you “why?” like a hundred times a day.
They are not trying to annoy you or gain some attention. They simply need to know everything!
Then when talking to your child about feelings and “saying sorry” just plan yourself ahead of time. Explain to them “the why’s” behind saying sorry!
“I’m sorry for taking a toy from you” (why are you sorry?)
“This is wrong because it hurts your feelings” (this is wrong because?)
“In the future, I’ll ask you if I can have a turn first” (how can you behave differently?) 

Model Good Behaviour

As per everything else, the rolling model plays a very important role.
Do you say sorry to your child frequently? Think about all the little things!
“I’m sorry we have to rush to Day Care this morning – mum is very late!”, “Sorry for taking you out of the park earlier. I know you were having so much fun!”, “I’ll have to use this piece of paper now. I’m sorry I can’t let you draw on it!” – Remember to mean it when you say “I’m sorry!” and show that you really care about your child’s feelings. What can seem nothing to us probably means the world to them. 

Show empathy

If they don’t feel sorry. Let it be! That’s okay not to feel sorry. We don’t have to feel any feeling if this is not genuine. There’s no obligation in feeling sorry and saying it when this is not true. If we want to teach kids about telling the truth, that’s a good start!
If your children are refusing to feel or to say sorry, give them some time, show empathy and respect for their feelings. That’s probably just what they need, to be understood, and to feel they are allowed to feel anything.
What is not okay though is to act in a way that will hurt someone, physical or emotionally. This type of behaviour needs to be observed and guided by us, parents, educators and teachers. Remember, children are still learning!