“Please!” “Just this one!” “5 more minutes!” “But I don’t want to go!”. This may sound a little familiar, right? If your child doesn’t listen, you may need to change a few things in the way you are communicating with him/her.
How to get your child to listen to you? How to say “no” to children and how? Am I being too strict? Am I allowing my child to make all the decisions?
Many questions involve this small two-letter word: NO.
The way you say “no” to your child and act around it is the big key.
Children may cry, beg, scream, throw a tantrum and demand in many different ways making you even question yourself if you’re acting as you “should” be.
The truth is that setting limits with kids and getting them to listen to you can be challenging. Some parents will even give up in order to avoid a battle or a tantrum, while others may feel guilty for saying “no” too often.
Saying “no” is an important responsibility for parents but not an easy task at all. “No” teaches kids important lessons about life and getting along, but many parents struggle when setting those limits.
What’s the appropriate way to say “no” and get your child to listen?
Being clear, direct and confident.
First, see if that situation really requires the “no” to be used. Saying “no” too often can have a negative impact on your child’s development, since they are developing a sense of autonomy and independence. And that we want to encourage. Right?
So be an observer of your child and of yourself. There will be situations that you may think twice about saying “no”. Always remember that they are little people making new discoveries every day.
However, once you have made the decision to say it – keep it.
We confuse them when we are not clear enough – which is pretty understandable as most parents aren’t willing to cope with the crying, screaming and tantrums every 5 minutes. Who is, huh?
The problem is that if you say “no” and then you say “yes” in an attempt to avoid your child’s feelings to come out you’re giving them the power of the final decision. This can become something even worse, as despite children really want to be independent and seem to love to “boss around” they need us to guide them and to be their leaders.
When kids feel they are the ones in control their whole world becomes a mess.
Did you know that it is scary for a child when his parents act nervous or fearful about his behaviour?
They need to know we mean what we say and are comfortable following through and stopping them.
Explaining the “NO” for a child who doesn’t listen
“Well, if I’m the leader I can make the decisions, say no to my children and expect them to follow my rules. Right?”
Wrong.
The best way to say “no” is also giving an explanation for it. There will be thousands of them, just pick one and show them the reason.
Explain to your child why they can’t play in the rain, or why they have to go to school when they seem fine playing with their toys at home.
Give them a reason to follow your lead.
“I can’t play with you now because I need to get your brother changed”, “I won’t let you do that because it hurts”, “I can’t let you walk on the street without holding my hands because it isn’t safe”.
When kids feel we understand them we have better chances to get listened by them.
Keep calm and listen to your child
If you want them to listen to you, then, listen to them.
I know.
It doesn’t feel like “being calm” when your child is testing limits, throwing food or toys around, or even trying to hit you.
But, not being calm will only make things even worse. You are the big person, the one emotionally developed. Your child is struggling trying to cope with all their new feelings and wishes. They need our help.
The hesitancy to address guidance moments directly creates even more discomfort for our children, which they might express through clingy, needy behaviour – a never ending cycle.
Boundaries must be established with calm control and confidence. We must provide clear boundaries out of love and respect, so that children will learn the lessons and develop self-control, consequently listening more to your requests.
Here some reasons why you should say “no” in a respectful way in order to get your child to listen to you:
Discomfort is necessary
Protecting children from feelings of frustration and discomfort will only create an unrealistic expectation of the future.
Children need to deal with discomfort, and be sure that we adults believe that they will be able to deal with it too.
This is a game changer!
You are in charge
An assertive “no” will be extremely important for your child to understand that you are in charge, you are the leader.
Negotiating with your children, or not saying “no” for fear of not “being nice” will only damage the need that your child has to see you as “the leader”.
If you are not in control of the situation and cannot be firm when you need to be, it will make the process more difficult for the child who is learning about boundaries.
Boundaries make kids feel secure
As strange as this may sound, children often test limits in hopes of hearing NO.
Sometimes it can be comforting for them because only then they will know that there are limits and will feel cared for and protected.
Uncertainty and inconsistency can lead to anxiety, fear and insecurity. If these feelings have a bad impact on adults, imagine kids?
Waiting is a valuable lesson
As grown ups, how often do we get what we want straight away?
We have to work really hard in order to get the things we wished for. It’s pretty rare when things happen just because we “wanted to”.
So, kids should learn this valuable lesson early on. This will be something for life.
In a completely different proportion, obviously, children need to learn to wait.
There is an appropriate time for dessert and to play, but also for responsibilities, such as changing to go to school, waiting for mum to cook dinner, etc.
The more parents know how to deal with their own insecurities related to saying no to their children and how to do it in a clear, effective and confident way, the more positive results they will get in their children’s behaviour, which will lead to a relationship of respect and trust.
Leave your opinion here. Do you usually say no to your children? How do you set limits with your little ones?
My name is Natalia, sweetly called "Lala" since I started working with children. I am the owner of Lala’s Family Day Care and my passion is to make positive connections with my little ones, providing high-quality learning experiences. I believe that every child is unique and they grow the best when they feel valued, loved, happy and secure.