The Reason Why Your Child Does NOT Share

“My child is not good at sharing!”

This is a typical comment we hear from many parents and quite a common situation at home and child care environments.
Parents and Educators try thousands of options, ideas and suggestions in an attempt of teaching kids “how good it is to share!”

But have we actually really taken a look at the child’s perspective?!

Children, especially toddlers, truly believe that everything in their sight belongs to them (simple like that). They just don’t get the concept that a toy belongs to a store or the Teddy bear belongs to another child at the park. That’s because children this age are focused on their own feelings and thoughts, and pretty much thinking, “I want that toy, and I want it right now!”

The good news is that this doesn’t mean your child is being a bad person or trying to test your limits.

Just like adults, it’s completely normal for children to love some of their items or specific toys.
Imagine how awful it would be if you had to give up the things you love so that someone could have a turn?
The difference here is that the kids don’t know how to put themselves in other’s shoes, nor how to deal with the frustration of not having their wishes fulfilled.

In fact, in some situations, children actually love to share. Little babies have quite a fun time when bringing adults and other kids toys so that we can play with them. Even toddlers, often “cook” something special with their kitchen utensils and absolutely love to bring a plate of food for everyone in the room to “try” it.
This means that when children feel emotionally safe, loved and a strong sense of connection they can be more open to share and deal with any big challenges, as they will find support when they are going through little disappointments or frustration throughout the day.

Learning to share is a very long process, but you can use moments of struggle as opportunities to teach children about critical skills, such as self-regulation and empathy.

Other techniques that can help make sharing less intense include:

Acknowledge

As well as in many other situations with young kids, acknowledging their feelings can have a great impact when they can’t express it by themselves – most of the time.
You might want to say things like: “Looks like you love this train”; “We can see how special this is for you”; “You’re probably not ready to share yet”; “We can wait a couple of minutes so your friend can also have a turn”. Remind that they will have a turn again after a few minutes. “Don’t worry. You’ll have a turn as soon as your friend is done”.

Role model

Kids learn best by watching our actions than anything we say. So if you’re willing to teach your toddler to share, why not start by sharing with him? 

You can use simple opportunities to show your child how fun and easy it is to share, by sharing a few grapes when you’re eating, taking turns with toys while you’re playing together, or even sharing one of your favourite hairbrushes and let him have a turn brushing his own hair.
This way your toddler might start to understand that everyone shares, not just children. Sharing is something nice to do and we can feel good about it.

Encourage donation

Take your child to a toys or books exchange markets. Explain that the coat that no longer fits or the doll that has not been played with for almost a year can make the happiness of children in need.
When your toddler sees other children giving up toys and books in exchange for new items for them, he will be excited to do the same. In addition, there is no sense of loss, as he will leave with the same number of items he entered.

Praise

Acknowledge every little improvement and spot those situations when your child is sharing or happy to take turns with another child. Simple praises are very effective at teaching toddlers how sharing can be rewarding. Positive reinforcement often plays a great role!

Avoid punishments / social conflict

Avoid, as much as possible, any kind of punishment if your toddler decides not to share. Using force will only create more resistance to sharing. Instead, privately encourage your child to try and perceive how his friend is feeling because of his decision (but still let him make that decision).

Give your child and his friends some time to work it out. Supervision is fundamental, but often, children can resolve their differences without adults interference.
A common mistake is to interfere in the moments of dispute for a toy and to try to convince the child that he has to share it. We need to remind ourselves, parents and Educators, that despite sharing is nice, it’s not mandatory.

Learning to share (as well as generosity, gratitude, kindness and any other important principles) is a long process and requires patience and understanding, and always remember that we are the role model!